BREAKING–An Oxwood Kingsford student was rescued on the verge of pneumonia after forgetting her keycard at home. Senior Freya Fakenamé ’20 arrived at school at 8:15 a.m. on Monday, and immediately realized that she was locked out of the Roberts building.
“At first I laughed it off and thought that someone would let me in,” said Fakenamé, “but then I realized that without my keycard, I had become an outcast.”
“Friends who usually greeted me with a smile saw my lack of a keycard and punched me directly in the face,” Fakenamé reported. “Every time I tried to sneak in behind someone who used their keycard to unlock the door, they kicked me in the throat. I had no idea how flexible the average student is here.”
Bruised and tired, Fakenamé retreated to the trees. “I finally found some friends who accepted me: squirrels,” she said. According to Fakenamé, the community of squirrels at Oxford Kingswood is extremely intelligent. “They kept me warm, protected me, and told me about all the customs of their people,” she said. “But after two days with the squirrels, I had to face the awful truth: I couldn’t survive on acorns alone.” Fakenamé refused to elaborate on that point, but the OK News finds it necessary to report that at the time of the interview, Fakenamé was covered in blood and chunks of grayish fur.
Finally, Fakenamé exited the trees. She explained that she finally made her way inside by “hiding in someone’s backpack.” Fakenamé has made a full recovery despite exposure to extreme cold and rabies.