Taking responsibility for the school newspaper after Ashley Buckingham’s incredible leadership of the KO News feels like exactly that: an invasion. As the staff switched over this issue and new people were placed in new positions, I was entrusted with the position of editor-in-chief… and I couldn’t have felt worse about it.
I have always struggled with imposter syndrome. Most of you probably know what it is, either from taking an educated guess by glancing at the name, reading about it in an article, or experiencing it yourself. It’s that persistent voice in the back of your head—the one that whispers in your ear that you haven’t earned something, that you’re not good enough.
The feeling consumes me with every positive thing that comes my way, be it a surprisingly good grade in chemistry, or praise from a teacher I’d always thought hated me. I often find myself questioning: do I deserve this? Am I the right person for the job? It’s an exhausting way to exist. I tire myself out from my own interrogations, like I’ve just sat in front of a police officer and tried to bargain my way out of a life sentence for three hours.
There have been moments in my life when self-doubt felt most prevalent—some of them are linked to the KO News. Last year, for example, I made the jump from an associate editor in the features department to the position of managing editor for the opinions and reviews departments. The editor-in-chief, Ashley Buckingham, and my fellow managing editors at the time, Ava Cashman and Emma Barringer, were all seniors, and such skilled writers and leaders that I felt completely unqualified in comparison.
Taking charge of the KO News as editor-in-chief this semester was no different. My imposter syndrome kicked into high gear—thoughts of self-doubt haunted me at nearly every waking hour. I was plagued with uncertainties over my abilities to lead, to organize, to write. I wondered if Ms. Schieffelin and the previous editorial board had placed their faith in the wrong person—if I would somehow run the paper into ruin in the span of one issue, or two, and let them all down. During the first planning meeting with our new staff, where we proposed article ideas and familiarized ourselves with other journalists, my hands were shaking from the nerves, and I was paralyzed with this irrational fear that everyone would know what a fraud I was as soon as I stood up and introduced myself.
Of course, the meeting passed by just fine. No one pointed at me and accused me of cheating my way to the top; God did not peek down from the Heavens to pass judgment on the way I addressed a room. I felt… surprisingly good. It was reassuring to be in a room full of journalists who didn’t care whether I was talented enough for the job—they just needed me to get it done.
Those are qualities that I have always loved about the KO News: everything is straightforward, and people are dependent on one another. Get your articles in on time, have them edited by this deadline or that extension date, show up on News Day and collaborate with the people in your department—simple tasks that encourage communication and communication, and reward you with a sense of accomplishment. Finishing each task fills me with a sense of security in my abilities, and the amazing support system that is the KO News staff ensures that I never feel stupid or undeserving of my position if I can’t figure something out. The KO News has reinforced to me that I am not lucky to have gotten to where I am. I am lucky to have people I can rely on around me, people who believe in me and who believe that I am capable of handling the position and responsibilities I have been entrusted with.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from two years on the KO News and much longer combating imposter syndrome, it’s that it’s important to have that kind of group support and belief. It forces you to step back from the chaos and realize exactly where you stand instead of where you think you should be. I have been blessed to have worked alongside incredible writers and leaders like Ashley, Ava, and Emma this past year on the editorial board, and their guidance and faith in me has made battling my own doubts that much easier. Now, it’s my turn to support and be supported by Ms. Schieffelin, an amazing group of managing and head editors, and an outstanding staff.
While I am editor-in-chief, I hope that the KO News can continue to be the collaborative effort that it has always been. I would love to form new connections to faculty on campus as well, and I am confident that through the newspaper, students and teachers can better communicate with each other about things going on in this school.
Although imposter syndrome still lingers in many aspects of my life and will likely follow me far beyond the Kingswood Oxford campus, my time on the KO News has shown me that I am more than capable of shaking it loose. I am so excited to be sharing that journey and so many others with all of you, and to be working to make the newspaper that has given so much to me the best it can be!
