This weekend, I spent my time attending a Chiefs game in Kansas City (in case you didn’t know, I am a very big Chiefs fan). Currently, I am running three different fantasy football teams that all have winning records, and I religiously watch football – specifically Redzone – whenever it’s on. Suffice it to say, I’ve been focusing on football recently. Thus, this makes me the most qualified person to label the worst NFL team.
There are 32 NFL teams total, each representing its own unique region. And, there are many ways to describe the “worst.” Worst in the league in terms of win-loss record? Or, worst in the league in terms of individuals’ hatred? For some people, these issues can make it difficult to give the formal title. I disagree. I’ve hated – no, despised – this team for as long as I can remember. In fact, I was born curating my hatred for this team. This hatred? It’s my legacy. It’s been passed down from generation to generation – I must represent my ancestors and their honor. Which team, you may ask? The Dallas Cowboys.
My hatred dates back to the 1970s. The Cowboys beat the San Francisco 49ers in the playoffs for three straight years. Despite the two teams not playing in the same division, their frequent playoff confrontations created a deep-seated rivalry. My mom is both from San Francisco and is a 49ers fan. She carefully instilled in me the proper values: root for the Niners, and always detest the Cowboys. Although I failed on one account (Chiefs Kingdom!), I fundamentally succeeded on the other. In the interest of being objective rather than subjective, though, I have more to back my stance on this team than a feud fueled from the 70s.
There is no team with a greater reputation for cover-ups than the Dallas Cowboys. Although some fans may think that the Browns do it the best (Deshaun Watson’s 24 lawsuits) this is recency bias. For example, in 1998, the Cowboys had a star wide receiver named Michael Irvin. A Dallas barber had driven to camp and was in the process of cutting the hair of Everett McIver, an offensive lineman. Irvin, impatient and reckless, wanted his hair cut first. A brief scuffle ensued, which ended with scissors being slashed across McIver’s neck. After being rushed to the hospital, McIver didn’t die. Instead, he was offered a six-figure deal to keep the story quiet. Team officials labeled the near murder as “horseplay.” This is only one of many stories that detail who exactly the Cowboys were and are: a franchise built on false truths in the media.
Which leads me to their owner, Jerry Jones. A prophet he may call himself, but he’ll always be Judas to me. He, at the elderly and frail age of 82, still continues to play an active role in the management of the Cowboys, and you can tell: their handling is awful. Beyond the simple fact that Jerry Jones is a terrible person – he was photographed attending a Little Rock desegregation protest in 1957 – perhaps the worst offense he’s committed is that he’s poor at football management. The Cowboys have won five Super Bowl rings total. Now, if you asked me, I would call these fraudulent, given that two of them are from decades past. One could be reasonable in asking whether they even count. It is important to mention that the last ring won was from the 1995 season. 1995! It’s been thirty years; this is when Bill Clinton met Monica Lewinsky! What year did Jones take charge of the team? 1989. Admittedly, the team achieved immediate success in the next few years, but since then, their postseason luck has run dry! Jones does not understand the game (ie: this year’s controversial Micah Parsons trade), and with his involvement in the Cowboys, he’s dooming them to mediocrity – not that I mind.
There are a lot of issues to despise the Cowboys about. The previously mentioned dubious morality of the owner and staff, the criminal players, and the way they exploit their cheerleaders. But, after much consideration, the thing that I dislike most about the Cowboys is their moniker of “America’s Team.” They are not America’s team. Yes, they have the largest fanbase (allegedly), but for every individual who likes them, they are outnumbered by people who abhor them. Using such a generalized term to describe a fraction of the NFL’s fanbase is completely indicative of the routine arrogance that the Cowboys display. It brings me to a point beyond satisfaction to watch the Cowboys lose. I forfeit all other dislikings that I may have. I would rather the Eagles, Browns, Steelers, and all of the other teams I very much loathe win just so the Cowboys can be humiliated. I side-eye Cowboys fans the second I see them wearing the merch. If you have a Cowboys sticker on your car, I laugh and pity you for your suffering.
So, on behalf of my ancestors, I proudly declare the Dallas Cowboys the worst NFL team.
