Roasting myself: Niki Taylor


Buckle up, everyone. You are about to experience something magical.

You are all about to learn some very interesting things about me if you didn’t know them already. For those of you who have never read a “Roasting Yourself” article, it’s basically an article in which the writer exposes themselves and make fun of all of the stupid things they do, which is pretty much everything I do.

To start off, I’d just like to say that I am indeed a fake blonde and very proud of it. I’ve been dying my hair since the end of sixth-grade and have gotten increasingly blonde ever since. To any of you who have seen me with my natural hair: stay quiet or else. I also tend to chop all of my hair off to avoid mental breakdowns, but don’t we all?

Another gorgeous aspect of my physical appearance from middle school included the metal poles that were attached to my braces in order to fix my horrendous overbite. They screwed two metal poles into my mouth, one on each side, that each had a round screw bit protruding out of my mouth.It was not cute to say the least. I truly don’t understand how I had more friends back then than I do now; I didn’t even want to look at myself for more than two minutes at a time.

Speaking of Middle School, I have not grown more than three inches since sixth-grade, and that’s not an exaggeration. I started sixth-grade at about four foot eleven inches, hit five feet in eighth-grade, and have stopped growing at approximately five foot one and a half inches. Watch out WNBA, I’m coming for you.

Also, if you drive, watch out for me as well. My license test is on February 13 and I can barely see over the steering wheel. If you see a tan Subaru coming at you on the highway, don’t worry; it’s just me on the wrong side of the road.

I also have a bad habit of constantly saying I’m going to fight everyone when I can’t even open water bottles on my own. My arms are abnormally small to the point where when my guy friends try on my jackets, their arms practically rip the seams open. Don’t get me wrong, I may be three feet tall, but I will fight you.

Something else that will never fail to get me bullied is the fact that I am gluten free. Let me get this straight though: I did not choose the gluten free life, the gluten free life chose me. I may not be legally able to eat gluten, but that doesn’t stop me when there are chicken tenders in the caf with mashed potatoes. Or when mac’n’cheese from Nordstrom Cafe becomes available. Nothing can stop me from that mac’n’cheese. Nothing.

As many of you may know I am also a fan of accents. Whether it’s British or Southern or Irish or Jersey, I never fail to make myself look like an absolute idiot when I start talking in one of my mediocre accents. I like to think that my British and southern accents are actually pretty good. My friends think otherwise. My Irish accent, however, sounds like a donkey trying to recite poetry. I’m not quirky. I don’t know why I keep doing it. I need to stop.

Another one of my ~quirky~ traits is the fact that I only Snapchat people timer pictures. Just the other day I sent someone a timer picture of me balancing a full hamper on my head. My chiropractor would not be happy with me for this decision.

Perhaps my biggest and most notable character trait is my obsession with Marvel. If you’ve ever had an interaction with me then you probably know about said obsession, but I don’t think most people know just how bad it actually is. I have multiple walls in my room dedicated to just Marvel posters, pictures, and signs. I also have practically a closet full of Marvel clothing. Not to mention my Marvel toys, Crocs, blankets, stuffed toys, stickers, Funko Pops, a bookshelf full of magazines and concept art books, and vinyls from many of the movies. One could say that I’m a bit too invested in this cinematic universe considering I will only see it for the first time on opening day.

I also have an album in my camera roll entitled “Gods” with all of the pictures and videos I have of Marvel characters, actors, scenes, and memes from Instagram. As of right now there are 1,784 pictures in said album. With another 473 in an album entitled “cevans” as in Chris Evans. I admit, I may have somewhat of a problem. But don’t we all have our obsessions? Mine just happens to be with superheroes and VERY attractive actors.

After writing this I think I have a stronger understanding of why I’ve gone from having 50 friends to having five friends, max.

But at least my mom still loves me. I hope.