OK student Beefney Milkdud ’23 has decided to drop out of school and start a new research project on her cow farm. She has asked me to write one last feature to wish her off.
If you don’t remember, Beefney was featured in previous articles on her ostrich coop, pigeon coop, and algae farm the previous year. While the fates of her previous farms (ostrich, pigeon, algae) are unclear, Beefney did mention that predatory birds and nocturnal animals are difficult to keep out of the enclosures. “So many feathers…” she muttered when asked about previous farming endeavors.
In an interview, Beefney stated that she wanted to farm a tamer animal; she also claimed that she knew, somehow, that this was her natural calling. Beefney has a moo-sive goal: to create a natural, strawberry milk cow. “There are already enough chocolate milk cows, two percent milk cows, half and half milk cows,” she said angrily. “However, we haven’t found a way to milk strawberry cows.” So far, she’s still in the trial stages of putting her cows on a strict strawberry diet. The results don’t seem hopeful; Beefney might have to start seeking ethical ways to alter the color of a cow’s DNA so they are the familiar strawberry color we all know and love.
It’s a good thing that Beefney has taken many art classes over her years at OK—she knows how to mix colors and she has a heightened sense of creativity. Mrs. Govinci was Beefney’s art teacher for the past few years. “Beefney’s focus was always on pink cows and I never knew why,” Mrs. Govinci said. She also recalled that Beefney “painted them, drew them, collaged them, and even made several highly detailed dioramas of diverse cow farms.” Her art can be viewed in the OK art gallery, the MAMO in Boston, and the AFM in New York.
Beefney currently takes ecosystem science and is an active member of the Greener Team on campus (she’s multifaceted). Her teacher, Mrs. Green, says her contributions to class will be missed. “Beefney always made very,” she paused for several minutes, “interesting comments in my class.” She would not elaborate.
Since Mrs. Green wouldn’t disclose more information about Beefney’s contributions to class we decided to simply ask around. Joe Brown is in Beefney’s science class. “One time she coughed up algae in the middle of class,” he said. “At least I think it was algae. I’m not really sure but our lab for that day was canceled and [the TC Science Building] was shut down for a day or so.” Mrs. Green declined to comment on the Algae Scare of 2020.
At this point, we were done trying to milk out answers from Mrs. Green as she once again refused to provide more vital intel on Beefney, so once again, we had to ask around. Misty Aquadrop ’23, Beefney’s sole friend (or at least acquaintance, we couldn’t tell) said Beefney talked of cow experiments for months before making the decision. “We drove by a farm on the bus to a game once and she got really upset when she saw the cows,” she said. Beefney recalled the incident hesitantly. “They were all brown,” she said. “I swore I fed them strawberries for weeks, and nothing.”
Beefney also mentioned that she can email you a special encrypted message if you donate five cows to her farm (the redder the hide the better). For more information on donating, you can visit her website at www.beefneymilkduds.com. We wish Beefney luck with her the farm! If you see her in the halls make sure to give her a gratitude strawberry, she might even thank and mention you when she wins her No-bell YesPlease Prize!