The rumours are true: Kingswood Oxford will be implementing anti-homeless architecture techniques to encourage social distancing.
“I don’t see anything about this that could go wrong,” said a source close to administration. “I mean, now that we’ve closed the turf, the one place we could get freshmen to safely social distance, we’re really strapped for ideas to get people to stay apart.” This source opted to remain anonymous to the KO News but emphasized that it was really important that the turf be kept pristine, so the crumb rubber can cause as much cancer as possible.
“We read that NPR article about the statue of Jesus as a homeless man sleeping on a bench, and it really moved us,” our source continued, “and we think that energy can be applied towards KO, because those people in Santa Monica were right to call the cops on a homeless person. Nobody should be able to lie down on a bench.” Benches at Kingswood Oxford will now employ the classic anti-homeless technique of putting armrests halfway through seats in hopes students won’t sit too close to each other.
But the innovation doesn’t stop there. The Pandemic Response Team (PRT) is currently in talks about affixing blunt spikes to the ground to encourage students to keep the six-foot distance. One creative soul suggested permanently bolting the outdoor folding chairs into the pavement so people can’t move them farther apart. “Exactly six feet is better than more than six feet,” they added. “I think this really embodies the core value of caring beyond self. I went to an architecture club meeting, and I was inspired by them to use architecture to make our student’s lives that much more inconvenient.”
Students have mixed feelings about the changes. “Yeah, that makes about as much sense as having 500 students in close quarters during a pandemic does anyways,” a student in the fourth form said. They declined to comment further. A freshman nearby added: “What do I care? They still won’t let me on the green.”
“Every time this school announces a new change, I think: ‘This is it, we’ve hit rock bottom,’ and without fail things get even worse,” one senior said. All students declined to be named.
These new changes to our campus are predicted to cost about $1.43 million and will be implemented over the course of five years. The Student Government Association is already planning a school dance to raise money for the cause, with several dress down day fundraisers in the works as well.
